


almost lover

by melanoradrood



Series: Universes Made Just For You And I [6]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, Ficlet Collection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2019-06-24 13:00:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15631185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melanoradrood/pseuds/melanoradrood
Summary: goodbye my almost lover, goodbye my hopeless dream





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [marcasite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/marcasite/gifts).



> AU: Canon Compliant Post War  
> Word Count: 1338  
> Rating: Teen  
> Warnings: Angst  
> Prompt: Kiss Good Bye by leaiorganas

The war is over, it’s done, the base is packing up, and Jyn... she’s not sticking around. Maybe it’s because her body is beat to hell, maybe it’s because she has never had any freedom in her life, but when word comes that they’re looking for spies to serve as security detail, she’s out of there, and she’s not willing to sign onto anything else. It’s not that she has a plan as to what she’s doing... she just knows that she’s owed five years of backpay, has given her life time and again for the cause, and she wants to see something of the galaxy while not looking over her shoulder.

The only problem is... there’s something still tying her down, holding her back.

And he’s not budging.

As soon as Princess Leia Organa mentioned needing to form a New Republic, with a new Senate, with leadership from all organizations, from all planets, from all experiences... Cassian had been there, fought in the Clone Wars, had fought for the Separatists. He didn’t trust the Jedi, didn’t trust the Senate, didn’t trust the Republic, and all for good reasons. Jyn understood, why he wanted to have a hand in it, why he wanted to be in the thick of it.

The problem was, Jyn couldn’t do that. She couldn’t be like them. Her one good speech had been before Scarif, and really, that was as good as it got. On Endor, she had told them all that if they died here, they could go kark themselves... and that was really as good as it would ever get. There was no position for her on the Senate, no advisory role.

She could go to university, maybe. She had her father’s brain, her mother’s love of study and exploration... She could do something with it, maybe continue her father’s work, maybe... Except she would grow bored, probably. Or maybe not, expect she had never been good at sitting on her hands. Even now, she still didn’t know how to sit still for long, didn’t know how to eat a meal without shoving it down her throat, didn’t know how to sleep in a soft bed...

She wasn’t meant for this new world that she had helped to save. She wasn’t supposed to live in the galaxy that she had helped protect. She was supposed to die out there, die somewhere, fighting for the cause, for the right thing, making a difference. There was no where out there for her, not now.

Which was why she had packed her bags and asked Baze and Chirrut where they were going. They didn’t have a clue, not yet, but that was alright with her. She could hop from transport to transport - had a few credits to her name - and she would figure it out from there. Bodhi, she knew, was headed officially to the Academy as an instructor, so he would be easy to find, and Cassian...

Well, it didn’t really matter. He hadn’t tried to stop her, so why should she care where he was. He would be busy with the Senate, with the Princess, with the new world... he didn’t have time for... for whatever she was, anymore.

“I’m leaving on the first transport out tomorrow,” she says the night before she leaves, and they’re sitting on two crates, watching the celebration, because these kids that had barely fought, had barely even lived, were partying again, and they’re too old to do anything but watch.

“Going with Baze and Chirrut to get them settled? Sounds like a good idea. They’ll probably get themselves into trouble. When will you be back?”

She doesn’t look at him, just shakes her head. “I’m not coming back. I don’t really know what I’m going to do yet, but I wouldn’t mind looking at the galaxy when it’s not looking for me.”

“Oh.”

That’s all that’s said about that. He eventually slips away without saying another word, and she’s left to sit there and wonder.

There’s no tears shed when she climbs into her bed for the last time, no questioning, because it has been years since Scarif, since they had stood in an elevator, thinking it was their last moments alive, and since then... they had always been close, never more than a few steps apart, and now...

He had plans, he had plans for his life, for his future, and he never even asked her, never invited her... Would she say yes? If he asked her to stay, to come with him, what would she say?

 _Yes_. There wasn’t a doubt in her mind. If Cassian asked her to stay with him, to figure it out with him... she would stay, because she needed him, because she needed to stand beside him. She had been his Second for so long, she didn’t know how to do anything else, and they balanced each other and flowed together, but he had made plans, and she - 

He was leaving her behind, and she was still caught in this war.

There were still planets that were under Empire rule. She could still fight. Still struggle. There was still evil in the Galaxy. She could do something, do something with herself, still go out and do some good. And that’s what she was going to do.

They’re loading into the transport when she hears her name, and Jyn turns to see that it’s Cassian. He has his bags with him and she’s surprised, because he should be two steps behind his Princess, only now, he looks like he’s ready to leave, and she-

“What are you doing here?” she asks, and she knows that she needs to get ready to leave, but she can’t, not when he’s here.

“I’m coming with you!” he says, and Jyn... Jyn laughs.

“Why?”

It’s the most obvious question in the world... and he just deflates.

“Jyn... Where you go, I go.”

She shakes her head, because that’s not how this works. Not anymore. He didn’t owe her anything, didn’t owe her any old loyalties...

“What about the Senate? What about the New Republic?”

Cassian shakes his head, then gives a shrug. “What about it?”

“You have a place there!”

His head nods, and he knows he does, and she knows he does, so then why-

“Where you go, I go.”

She can’t do this. He wasn’t supposed to follow her. That’s not how this worked. He would hate her, if he came with her. Resent her, as the galaxy inevitably fell apart again. He was needed, was necessary. 

“Not anymore. You don’t owe anything to me anymore, Cassian. Go take your place in the New Republic. There’s no place for me there.”

 _Tell me there’s a place for me there_ , she begs, and her eyes are pleading, because that’s all it will take.  _Tell me that there’s a place for me in your life. Tell me that you want to come with me because you need me. Tell me that you love me as much as I love you._

Instead, his bag drops to the ground, and then he’s hugging her tight, pulling her to him. She wraps her arms around his body, and holds on tight, and she can’t believe... she can’t believe that this is good bye.

“Take care of yourself, Jyn Erso,” he says, and she...

She can’t believe this is good bye.

 _Love me_ , she begged.  _Love me. Need me. Need me here. Tell me I belong here. Tell me you need me by your side. Please, just say it._

Except he doesn’t, and finally, Jyn has to pull away.

They look at each other one last time, and then his lips press to her forehead... and a part of her shatters.

“Time to go, Erso!” the pilot says, and Jyn pulls away from Cassian.

She doesn’t look over her shoulder as she climbs into the transport, but she does break into tears as it leaves the ground, and into sobs when they hit the hyperdrive.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AU: Canon Compliant Post War  
> Word Count: 1777  
> Rating: Teen  
> Warnings: Flangst  
> Follow Up Request : PLEASE FIX THIS

Cassian stands there, watching the transport take off, watching as it flies higher, and then, it breaks into atmo, and he-

He makes it five more seconds, and then he breaks down.

He should have, could have, he -

Fuck. Fucking fuck. Fuck, he was in love with her, and she just left, just disappeared, just - 

He looks around, looks at the people just milling about, sees the Princess directing people onto the Falcon, sees the pilots filling their own transports, and they’re acting like everything is fine, is perfectly normal, but Jyn just left - 

Jyn just left, and he let her. He had packed his bags, because she spoke of leaving, and he - 

He had just looked at Leia, told her that he had to follow Jyn, and she had understood, and Jyn - he had a place in the New Republic, he did, but his place was also with her.

She was supposed to go with him.  _ She is supposed to be with me _ . He had never thought she wouldn’t come, had never had it cross his mind that she would do anything else, but then she had told him to stay, and he had just -

It takes him a few seconds to realize what it is, a panic attack, but that’s what it is. He can’t breathe, is yanking at his collar, trying to suck in a breath, but he can’t -

He’s panicking, because the woman he loves, the woman that can slip away and disappear, that can fade in a crowd, that has spent her entire life running - she just disappeared. He’s not even sure where that transport is going, not even sure what her plans are, and she just - 

It takes a slap from Leia Organa to bring him back to reality, and when his eyes clear, he realizes what just happened.

Jyn just left, left him behind, and he doesn’t know what to do, now that his heart is gone.

“What are you still doing here?” she asks, and he can’t… he can’t even form words.

“Erso told him to stay, and he did,” Han shouts out from where he’s standing on the ramp. “And you call me a nerf-herder…”

“She  _ what _ ?” Leia looks at him with a look of disgust, and then pity.

Pity. Leia Organa feels pity for him.

“She… she left,” Cassian manages to gasp out, and he looks… looks towards where the transport had winked from the sky, a sign that it had disappeared into hyperspace.

“Change of plans,” Leia calls out. “Find out where the transport just went, and follow it, Han. Don’t come back unless you have Jyn Erso with you, or you no longer have Cassian with you. One or the other. Honestly, idiots that can’t admit their feelings…”

Cassian is still standing there in shock, and then his bags are being picked up by an annoyed wookiee. He doesn’t stop to argue about it, instead climbing onto the Falcon, still in a daze.

He fucked up. He fucked up, but he was going to do his best to unfuck it.

 

 

The problem with trying to find Jyn is that Jyn doesn’t want to be found.

They follow the transport, and then he finds that she had followed Baze and Chirrut to an older temple in the outer rim. The Falcon is fast, but not fast enough, because as he asks questions at the main hanger, he discovers that the temple has been abandoned, and they’ve gone in search of another.

He finds Baze and Chirrut on the next planet, but no Jyn. He doesn’t linger long enough to see the look of pity, but he can feel it on his back as he boards the Falcon, only waiting long enough for them to refuel.

He misses her on the next planet by seconds, he transport taking off just as they land, and he curses everything when he finds out she’s heading towards an old trading outpost. If there’s anywhere for a person to get lost…

They push the Falcon, push it hard, and when Cassian questions the Captain of the transport from their last planet, he finds he only just missed her - she had disappeared into the outpost itself.

He just had to find her.

Finding her should be easy. He knows every inch of her, knows her scent, her walk, how she glances over her shoulder without looking like it, how she wraps a scarf around her hair, even how she manages to hide weapons on herself. He knows his Jyn, so he should be able to find her, but she doesn’t want to be found.

She doesn’t want to be found, and it crushes him. It crushes his every step as he walks past the vendors, as he searches for her. He has Han back at the dockyard, as Chewie asking some of his old buddies to keep an eye out, but he can’t - he can’t find her.

He can’t find her, and Cassian can’t… he can’t go back empty handed.

He can’t go back empty handed, because that means he has lost her for good, and a future without Jyn Erso is one he just can’t accept.

He won’t give up, won’t stop looking for her, but she simply isn’t there.

She’s just… gone.

 

 

Never in his life has Cassian felt so lost, and when he stumbles into the cantina, he knows he looks the broken man. A mug of something is put in front of him, and he fumbles to find credits, downs whatever bantha-shit he was just served, and he… he can’t even remember how to speak. Jyn is just gone, gone from his life, gone from his future, gone from everything. He had never thought the day would come where Jyn wasn’t there, but he has chased her across the galaxy, forwards and back, for the past two weeks, and she…

She’s just gone. He came so close, and she was just gone.

His head ducks down lower, and he drains the last of his mug, then calls for another.

Lost her, he lost her, he - he drinks again, because everything fucking hurts, and he can’t face getting up and heading back to the Falcon, telling Han they failed.

He keeps drinking, until he feels something press into his back.

“Why were you following me,” hisses a familiar voice, and he -

He whips around, eyes wide.

Their eyes meet, and then she’s jerking away, eyes wide, the blaster tucked back under her jacket,  _ his jacket _ , and then her arms are around him.

“Didn’t see your face,” she gasps, and he clings right back, holds onto her so tight, like he’s afraid she might disappear. “Oh gods, they said someone asked, someone is following me, and I thought-”

“It was me, it has been me. I’m the one following you-”

“Why?”

She jerks away from him, and his eyes are wide, wild, searching her eyes. There’s unshed tears, and adrenaline in both their blood, her from being followed, him from the blaster, and he-

It’s a good thing he’s against a wall, because he turns his whole body, climbs from the chair, and takes two steps to press her body against the wall, to keep her trapped there, so she can’t disappear.

“I’ve crossed the universe trying to find you, to please stop running away,” he begs instead, and Jyn… she looks up at him like she doesn’t know, doesn’t realize. He never told her, should have told her - 

_ Why did I never tell you how much I love you? _

“Why?” she breathes out again, and he -

“I need you,” he breathes out. The next breath he draws in his heavy, shuddered, and he closes his eyes, pressing his forehead to hers. “I shouldn’t have let you leave, should have gone with you, but - why didn’t you stay? I thought you were coming with me.”

“You never asked,” she whispers, and he realizes that she’s crying, that her words are so soft, and he can only hear them because her lips are against his ear.

“I’m a karking nerf herder,” he sobs out, and he turns his head, looking down at her.

He’s taking a risk, yes, but it’s either this or she disappears again… he can’t take that risk.

“I fucking love you, Jyn Erso. Come back with me, come to the New Republic. Help me finish what we started, help me end this war - or let me come with you. Let me find peace with you. I don’t care anymore, just let me be with-”

She cuts him off with a kiss, and it’s the best thing he has ever tasted, a kiss like coming home, like she’s saying she loves him, and needs him. Her fingers are tangled into his jacket, and he kisses her harder, their weight sagging into the wall.

He only pulls away when he needs to breathe, and she nods, nods against his lips, nods through her tears.

“Yes,” she gasps out, and he grins. “Yes, I’ll come back. I don’t care what we do, I just thought-”

“That I wouldn’t want you there?” he asks, and he can’t believe she would ever think that. “I never should have assumed you would just come, but Jyn… you have to know, I can’t do anything without you by my side.”

She grins at that, and nods, eyes flicking up to his.

“Yeah… I tell you to stay put, and you listen.”

He laughs at that, hand moving to rub the back of his neck.

“Yeah… and then five minutes later, Leia is putting me on the Falcon to chase you down.”

Jyn laughs, she karking laughs, and he wants to taste that sound, taste every noise from her lips. “The Falcon? How did it even manage to make it’s way across the galaxy?”

He gives a shrug, because honestly, he’s shocked it can still fly, but that doesn’t really matter right now.

“Come on. We need to get back. Leia said Han could only come back if we had you.”

Jyn smiles at that, then lifts something from her pocket. It takes him a moment to blink and realize what it is - a key.

“I got a room upstairs. I figured I would either make whoever followed me disappear, or finally rest if I managed to lose them.”

He… takes a few seconds, then realizes what she’s saying.

“We can’t keep Han waiting,” he says, a weak attempt to dissuade her… but Jyn looks pleased with him, with both of them, and shakes her head.

“He can wait. I think we both deserve a nap.”

He kisses her again, and it tastes like hello.


End file.
